How do you solve a problem like Mellissa?

“When God closes a door, he opens a window. Yeah. The problem was that this particular window opened off the tenth story, and he wasn’t so sure God supplied parachutes.” Diana Gabaldon

NOTE:  I wrote this some years ago for a friend of mine who kept asking me to put my thoughts about life in the middle of FM/ME/CFS/EDS down in writing. I want to include it here since I think it is important to share the different stages of the journey of illness and health. Even though I have seen many windows open since the time that I wrote this, in a lot of  ways we are all “in the middle” of a healing journey so much of the time. I might be “Mellissa Further Down the Road” but I feel like the words still ring true.  

Wow. I am so excited. And super nervous. My first blog post. I decided to write this like I would say it to a good friend. Less pressure to have perfect grammar, and more fun anyways.....Like a “sit down and have a coffee and sort out the world's problems” kind of fun. (Just so you don't expect Disneyland. ;)

It struck me recently that most of the characters who are out there blogging or writing or speaking follow a general pattern. They are people who have been through something intense.... like a trauma or a loss or a tragedy of some sort. Perhaps they lost a pile of money or became ill or had an affair or a mental breakdown. Heavy stuff. But then at some point they found something that helped them (a diet, an investment, a new version of faith.... you get the picture) and they flourished again in their formerly "broken" areas. And now, of course, they want to SELL me their secrets via their new books or the ads on their blog sites or their whirlwind speaking tour with Oprah. For some time now I have wondered why very few people write in the "middle" of an ordeal. Like when trauma has happened and the wounding is still DEEP.  Metaphorically that means I am bleeding out. Heartbroken and desperate and waiting....STILL waiting... for an answer....a healing....a windfall.  Wondering. Pondering. Struggling. Questioning. It is a desolate place. I should know because I have been camped out there for awhile now.

I think that there is much to be said from this space because this is where many of us live so much of our lives. It is certainly where I have lived much of mine. "Mellissa in the Middle" I like to call this phase of life. Middle aged and middle income and in the middle of a pile of yuck oftentimes. Mostly figurative and occasionally literal! Health and finances and parenting and marriage and work and friendships and family. Yes the list goes on (and on and on). Kind of sounds like a song lyric from the 80's doesn't it?

Maybe you have made some poor financial decisions and haven't yet seen things drastically improve. Or you have become chronically ill and there are no medical interventions that can really promise a difference. Or it could be that someone close to you has left, either through a breakup or divorce, a death or even the end of a friendship. There are a gazillion ways to be "in the middle." But for now just picture a pile of deep doo doo and imagine yourself right smack dab in the centre of it. Stinky? You bet! Suffocating? Yup! It isn't an easy pile to wade out of!!! And boy have I tried.

So I am going to veer off for a second but this will all tie together in the end. Trust me. (And if I don't chase this rabbit the title of this blog entry will make no sense!). I remember watching the Sound of Music many times as a child. To say I LOVED it would be a huge understatement. Still do. My mom used to say "how do you solve a problem like Mellissa?"....Funny. That alone should give you just a teensy bit of insight Into my dramatic nature... But I digress....

In the movie, the reverend Mother and Maria operatically reflect on how when God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. Well in a way what I am writing is for those of us who have felt that door slam heavily on our behinds but have yet to find a room in the whole house with any windows open. No fresh and clean air, no sunshine pouring in from outside. And believe me I have looked.... I have hunted desperately to find a window out of this health crisis or a window promising instant prosperity. Any guesses at how many I have found? ZERO. The big fat nada. And a major (although not all that surprising to anyone who knows me) confession here....I have been known to try and pry open a window or two that is firmly shut! Like bolted and locked, alarm set and crazy glued shut. I have been that desperate. I still am that desperate some days. All I have ended up with are a lot of splinters!

So back to the beginning....or the middle.... Mellissa in the middle. I think what I want to talk about in this space is quite different from an "after the final bachelor rose" type reflective discussion. And frankly that is so often not what I need anyways when I am suffering. It just makes me more grumpy to hear that so and so was healed or made a huge financial gain or got a major job promotion. (Okay one last painful confession....Mellissa in the middle can get quite jealous and angry when it seems others are prospering and I am not, but we will save that issue for a future blog post.) Sometimes all I want is to know that I am not totally alone in my pile of deep poo. It can be enough to sustain me just to hear another voice calling to me as we wade through together. I really love companionship, even in a pile of crap. That is why I am doing this. Well... that and the fact that a couple of my friends said I had to!

Hopefully if you are in the big poopy pile in some way yourself, you can hear my voice in the distance and we can start wading through together. I am the one singing songs from the sound of music so I should be pretty easy to find!

For Alison who received this with such enthusiasm that I never let go of the desire to do more. It took awhile, but I made it. Thanks for the encouragement my friend.