Healthy Enough
“Good enough is good enough. Perfect will make you a big fat mess every time.” Rebecca Wells
I still remember being pregnant with my oldest son and firmly believing that I would be as close to a perfect parent as was humanly possible. I would never hurt him, never allow harm to come to him and most certainly never lose my cool in his presence. There was zero room for messing up, making a mistake or missing a signal.
I also remember when, at three days old, I pulled him out of his bassinet to feed him in the middle of the night. The room being dark and me being rather groggy post c-section and with very little sleep for quite some time (the ultimate “brain fog”), I forgot that I had raised the canopy up and I grazed his forehead against the edge. He wasn’t hurt, but he was rather surprised and started screaming at the top of his lungs. I totally panicked. It was only 3 days into this parenting deal and I had failed to keep him safe. Of course you already know how that story went. More days, more messes. Graduating to fingers pinched in a door, skinned knees, failed tests and broken hearts. Ugh. I learned pretty fast that I would never get it right all the time. And to be honest it was a rather devastating realization.
Way back in the 1950’s, British Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicot coined the term “Good Enough Mother.” After studying thousands of babies and their mammas, Dr. Winnicot came to believe that children actually benefit from parenting that is not always perfect. Little ones learn how to navigate our unpredictable and challenging world by experiencing small, tolerable setbacks on a repeated basis. In the end, they grow stronger, more capable, more flexible and more resilient, through their first hand practice with failure.
In a sense, I have come to see my health in much the same way. I used to dream of the day when I would be 100% well. The sun would shine in my window, the birds would chirp and somehow I would be just bursting with energy and optimism. I worked so hard to visualize it, take care of my health, and do everything just right so I could make it happen. And… guess what? It did. Sort of. For a few days, or weeks… I can’t even remember anymore. And then the inevitable happened too. It didn’t last. Some big issue popped up that didn’t fit into my perfect life and I crashed rather hard.
For lack of a better word I will say that I have “healed” a great deal. My energy is better, my body is stronger, my mind clearer, my optimism… well that is growing too. But this type of enthusiasm isn’t the kind that is looking for perfection. It is the sort that sees that I am “healthy enough” already and celebrates myself every opportunity that I get. Some days look like 80% and others look like I barely hit 60. Once in awhile I knock it out of the park to a big 90, usually when I am on holidays and somewhere near an ocean… but that is another story.
Even on my worst days, I am “healthy enough.” I can walk outside, work in my garden, read a book, write a note, chat with my kids, eat most foods, go get groceries, coach my clients. This didn’t happen overnight however. It has been slow and steady growth over the last few years, having realistic expectations, balancing demands and energy. Neuroplasticity work has been a game changer. The funny thing is that I actually started to practice feeling “healthy enough” long before my body really felt that way. It was all about befriending myself, appreciating ALL the parts that make up my system (especially the ones that I found the most challenging) and learning to relax so that my body could feel safe and accepted just as it was. It was only then that my body actually began to allow me to grow and change, to develop curiosity and self compassion. Rather amazing when you think about it, but in a way it is quite predictable. Most of us don’t do our very best work under intense pressure! Yes, we might need a little push to move forward, but we don’t generally feel our best when we are being berated, diminished and dismissed. On the flip side, when we are appreciated, loved, treated with respect and compassion and understanding, when our failures are accepted, we feel more open and flexible. Stronger. Just like the resilient babies and their “good enough” mothers.
I still can’t run a marathon, like I always hoped I would, I don’t get to eat gobs of gluten (sadly), I won’t socialize for hours at a time or work 18 hour days. I still have to make choices and sacrifices. And do you know what? That is ok. Being “healthy enough” teaches me every day that my body is a gift and I can’t take it for granted. No burning the candle at both ends. It reminds me that how I treat myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually really matters. I go back to the basics time and again. Am I befriending myself in both the easy times and the challenging ones? Am I loving all parts of my system? Am I welcoming even the hard stuff into my awareness? Am I growing in my capacity? Am I allowing myself to be present in the current moment?
One thing I know for sure. The journey is not straight forward. It is more like a roller coaster ride. Full of spins and dips, rises and falls. It can be hard to remember on the drop down that there is also a corresponding way back up. But these days it is more of a Disneyland coaster. More “family friendly.” The dips aren’t quite so steep, the banks feel a bit less intense and there are no upside down sections (thank goodness!) While I ride this coaster I am “healthy enough” and it is a miracle to have come this far so I celebrate it. You might even hear me letting out a scream or two of delight on those drop sections!!