Hard Days
“Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. Even though you want to run. Even when it is heavy and difficult. Even though you’re not quite sure of the way through. Healing happens by feeling.” Dr. Rebecca Ray
There was a time, when I was deep into the worst days of chronic illness, that I could only dream of a day when I might be well again. It seemed almost impossible to imagine, as horrible as I felt, that I could eventually be productive and lead any sort of a normal life. Whenever I would ponder what a “healthy” life would be like, it was idyllic, filled with happiness, laughter, music and unending amounts of energy. I pictured myself traipsing around on a beach, playing guitar by the fire, running marathons, eating delicious food (with plenty of gluten, lactose, nightshades and all the allergens in the world since they wouldn’t be bothering me anyways right?) I was feeling fantastic and it was perfection, ALL GOOD, 24/7/365.
Enter that (often unwelcome) thing known as reality. The truth of restoring health is that there are amazing, mind blowing, celebratory days…absolutely. And, there are some pretty ghastly ones tucked in there as well. Perhaps that bursts your bubble the way it totally ass kicked mine, but I think it needs to be said.
It brings to mind a children’s book I used to read to my sons when they were little, called “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.” In it, Alexander wakes up with gum in his hair, trips and falls on his skateboard, drops his sweater into a sink full of water, gets lima beans for supper and can only find romance shows on TV. Ugh! I have had a few days like that myself. Have you? Here are some totally, absolutely, categorically, 100% “theoretical” examples that have never once happened to me in my life. (Ha Ha). Maybe you couldn’t sleep last night and woke up feeling grumpy and exhausted, or you had a fight with your partner and burst into tears, or your red t-shirt turned the entire load of laundry pink. Perhaps you stepped on a piece of lego someone left in the hallway (sooo painful!) and now you have a throbbing migraine and still need to make dinner and put away the groceries.
The word “hard” is defined in Oxford Languages as “difficult to bear, causing suffering, difficult to understand or solve, harsh or unpleasant to the senses.” So, the very nature of a hard day is to stir up agony, to feel unresolvable and to grind at your nerves! No wonder life feels so unworkable when they happen.
What is a hard day when on a recovery trajectory from chronic health issues? It might mean waking up feeling depressed and discouraged after some days of improvement. Or falling off the rails (again) with your routine and wondering if you are a hopeless case. Waking up with more pain, fatigue, brain fog, or a symptom you thought was resolved a long time ago. Doubting your progress, feeling like you want to throw in the towel, thinking that you will never get better. I have found that these kinds of hard days often follow a string of good ones, and generally don’t come with an easy explanation for why they happen. I can’t think my way through why I suddenly feel miserable or have more pain or my brain fog takes over and I can’t concentrate worth a bean. Let me reassure you when I tell you this is TOTALLY NORMAL and all part of the process of getting better. Hard days are a part of living a normal, regular life. Healthy people have hard days, ill people have hard days, recovering people have hard days. EVERYONE has hard days!
What I sometimes forget is that when I am struggling, my spirit inevitably takes a hit. My first instinct is often to RUN… for the hills… for my cell phone or my refrigerator… anything to keep me busy and away from the pain that is brewing up inside. The truth is that it is easy to be optimistic about my health on better days, but even after all these years I still find it challenging to embrace the tough times with the same amount of self-compassion and genuine care.
So….what can we do to support our internal parts that might be struggling on hard days?
Slow WAAAAYYYY down
I am not talking speed of movement here, but rather what is going on inside the nervous system. Oftentimes when pain or exhaustion or other symptoms increase, my mind starts going a mile a minute trying to figure it out and I start to panic. What happened? What did I do wrong? Was it something I ate yesterday or maybe I walked too long the day before? How long will this last? Am I going to get worse? How much worse? Will it be as bad as last time? I don’t think I can survive another crash… what if this is a crash? Should I take medication? Meditate? Do some yoga? Basically, I am looking for some explanation and a solution to make this go away as quickly as humanly possible! Unfortunately, it rarely ever benefits me to follow my brain on these kinds of tangents because there are, generally speaking, no easy cause and effect scenarios. It also bears mentioning that my brain function and processing ability often drop significantly when my symptoms increase so it may not be the best time to make super critical, life changing decisions. When I slow everything down, take some conscious breaths, maybe stretch my body, take a few moments to just be present with myself, I can start to notice what is happening internally, and hear some parts speaking through the cacophony that starts in my brain when I am feeling unwell. Awareness is always the invitation that is needed for my system to calm the resistance, open up a little and find a little bit more ease.
Rest… and don’t be grumpty dumpty about it!
Sometimes I am just plain overtaxed and really need to rest. A chance to sleep, have a pajama day or meditate quietly can be a way for me to really connect with myself and find some serenity. At times, I have pushed myself too hard and was so busy I didn’t notice my fatigue increasing and now it is time to do a bit of recuperating. If we think of energy as a commodity, like money, we have a certain amount to spend each day. When we overspend for a day, or two, or five, we may need to slow our roll and repay our debt by underspending for some time as well. The big challenge here is not to feel grumpy about it. My “go to” is to be angry and resentful at being slowed down by these parts who aren’t cooperating with my agenda to get things done and get better as fast as I can. BUT… since this pretty much never works (and I should know!) I have been changing my strategy of late to being more thoughtful and deliberate with gently pressing the brakes on my nervous system and giving myself even more space when I feel less well. It is a perfect time to modify my expectations and lean into binge watching a favourite tv show, grabbing my fuzziest pjs and relaxing. And amazingly, the more I do it, the more I enjoy it. Downton Abbey marathon anyone?
Lean in rather than hit the refrigerator
What does it look like to lean in? Well… first things first, it means that we don’t run away from what is happening or try to distract and avoid the experience in some way (like playing games on the cell phone, eating, watching T.V. etc.) It could look like writing your feelings in a journal, calling a therapist, or doing a creative visualization. I like to have a good old fashioned internal “chat” with my unsettled parts, just to let them know that I understand they are struggling. I might imagine giving them some extra care… a favourite item, a warm blanket, a chair by a fireplace or under a palm tree by the ocean. This can be a bit of a challenge to do on your own at first but with some practice at connecting with your parts, it can become quite a lovely way to sit with yourself when things are harder. As a bonus, I have often found that leaning in to parts allows for things to pass through my system a bit quicker since I know what is going on and how best to welcome it into my system. It isn’t easy but it is worth the effort.
Receive external support where you can
If you have a friend or support partner that really gets it and can let you share how you feel without trying to change it, then by all means, phone/visit/write/share in any way that you are able. I don’t know where I would be without my besties on hard days! I try to avoid the people who just tell me to “look on the bright side” or “cheer up” because they really don’t help me, and in all honesty kind of make me cranky. But a patient, loving companion on the journey is worth his/her/their weight in gold!
Self-Compassion without agenda
This is inherent in ALL of the support practices listed above but nothing (and I mean NOTHING) beats self-compassion when I am feeling down and out. I love to listen to a great meditation (Kristen Neff has some awesome ones… see my resources page for links) or read a book just to remind myself how to be extra kind to me. Many of us who have suffered so long with chronic conditions have been minimized, diminished, and blamed to the point where we often do the same things to ourselves. It isn’t always second nature for me to be self-compassionate, but a reminder can help me to drop more deeply into those struggling areas. As much as is possible, I want to do this without pressuring myself to have a timetable or a specific end goal in mind, since that just creates more internal tension with a focus on what I don’t have and how I need to change ASAP. Self-compassion is all about accepting where I am in this current moment without the added burden of agenda. As I practice more and more in times where I feel well, I am more able to access those same parts when things are a bit harder. If you think of your struggling parts like distressed children, you probably know that telling a panicking little one to “calm down” or saying it is “no big deal” or they need to “smarten up” will not be helpful and could even lead to more crying and frustration. No one wants to be dismissed or discounted when they are in pain! The most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is slow down, acknowledge how we feel and not try to push too hard for change.
Hard days are just plain… well…. HARD. The more we can practice being flexible, welcoming challenging feelings and allowing ALL parts of ourselves to have their voices heard, the more it becomes our new normal to do so. And that will, in time, be a catalyst for tremendous internal and external change. But for today, if your foot is throbbing from stepping on a lego piece (ouch!) and you are having a binge watching, fuzzy blanket, glass of wine, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad kind of day I am sending you some compassionate, caring, kind, gentle vibes to help you through it. Let’s practice, together, being extra specially warm hearted, tender, generous and gentle with ourselves and see what happens.
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day is written by Judith Viorst. (It is a very funny read for kids and adults too!)