Calm, Cool and Covid
“Opportunity seldom rises with blood pressure.” Jarod Kintz
“Pretty wild how we used to eat cake after someone had blown on it.” Annie Rose
“It’s all about finding the calm in the chaos” Donna Karan
After a bit of a hiatus (for reasons that might be apparent from the title) I am back to blogging! Thank you for sticking with me during my break. I had a lovely warm weather summer month of vacation followed by several weeks of Covid illness and recovery for my whole family and then lots of catch up to do for everything. Whew. Time to blog all about it!!!!
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I knew it was bound to happen at some point in time, but it was still a bit of a shock to see that second red line pop up on the rapid test. Yikes! What now? After 2+ years of avoiding a Covid infection by social distancing, extra handwashing and intense sanitizing along with some generally good fortune, our luck ran out as one by one, each of my family members tested Covid positive over the course of a couple of weeks.
Actually, this was not my first go around with pandemic illness, and no, I was not alive during the 1918 Spanish Flu! Some of you might remember waaaaay back in 2009 when the H1N1 was wreaking havoc on society and declared a global health crisis. I was one of the adventurous ones at the forefront, contracting the virus just one day prior to the release of the vaccine in our area. What are the chances? For me… 100% apparently! I had a very intense go around with the H1N1 and it was quite a few months before I fully recovered. So I felt like I had good reason to be apprehensive of another viral infection. I was terrified that I could not handle any more illness and that my body did not have the strength to recover back to the “healthy enough” place I had worked so hard to get to. I spent the first few months of Covid deeply fearful, avoiding all social interactions, faithfully wearing my mask and even sanitizing my groceries. I watched a lot of videos and read reports on Covid numbers multiple times a day. I was committed to staying safe by keeping things in my life as controlled as possible.
Over the course of a few months, it became apparent to me that my choices were affecting my health in a not so positive way. I felt anxious, rigid and tense. It seemed like every decision I made was complicated by Covid. Having teenagers, I worried about them catching something from gathering with friends. But I also stressed about them being depressed and losing relationships if they were kept home when others were out and about. What if I got sick and infected my elderly mother and father? Could I be one of the people who ended up with more severe illness? Would an infection set me back in terms of all the gains I made with my health over the last few years? These thoughts circled through my mind many times every day. I was not doing so well.
I was relying on historical evidence (from a LONG time ago no less) to determine possible future outcomes. Because I was very ill with the H1N1, my system reacted with fear at the thought of a repeat performance. Since my ME/CFS/FM started after a Mono infection in childhood, I think my nervous system was a bit “primed” to be fearful of potential disease and to be wary of the consequences. Doesn’t mean it is helpful or adaptive, but it makes sense.
Over the last year or so, I slowly came to RE-MEMBER that a HUGE part of my health and wellness is about how I live in my body and the messages I send to my nervous system. The exact same principles that I have applied to help my health improve, are applicable here as well.
I have so loved and appreciated the 8 C’s from Dr. Dick Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems therapy model. For those who may not know them all by heart they are Calm, Confidence, Connection, Clarity, Compassion, Courage, Creativity, and Curiosity. What a bunch of amazing words to focus on. I could call them the 8 C’s for the Big C (Covid). I would not be exaggerating to say they have become some of the guiding principals of my life. When something leads to more of the C’s in my system, then I know that I am heading in a good and healthy direction. When certain behaviours, beliefs and practices lead to the opposites (in this case nervousness, worry, fear and anxiety) then I begin to look at what is shutting me down and try to make some course corrections.
Since we can not examine at ALL the C’s in depth in one short post, I want to focus on the sensation of Calm. One thing I was definitely NOT, during the first part of the Covid pandemic, was calm! The world calm, as defined in Merriam-Webster means “free from agitation, excitement or disturbance.” But I particularly like the concept as it applies to the sailing community…. “a period or condition of FREEDOM from storms, high winds, or rough activity of water…a state of tranquility.” (capitals mine). There are a zillion awesome synonyms for calm including peaceful, restful, serene, still, tranquil, composed, soothed, settled, hushed, placid, untroubled and reposed. How do those words make your body feel? Just hearing a word like soothed feels comforting doesn’t it? Hushed feels quiet. Tranquil feels relaxed. Calm feels… well… calm.
As we have talked about in this blog quite a few times, our nervous systems can only operate with freedom and ease when there is internal flow. And as the thumbnail quote for this post makes clear, our options for good decision making do not improve when our stress increases. I know that for me, when I become more anxious, my pain increases, my brain fog is more prevalent, and fatigue tends to set in. When I am calm, my body and mind feel safe. There is a sense that I will be OK, no matter what I am dealing with. And, bonus, I am actually MORE capable of good decision making and quick thinking. Sometimes our minds want to trick us into believing that extra worry and hypervigilance somehow protect us and keep us safer by pre-planning for every eventuality. But, that is simply not true. Just like a tennis player who can stay loose on the court is more able to pivot, reach and jump for a volley without injury than an opponent who is tense and rigid, we are most effective at critical thinking and intelligent responses when we can chill out a bit and give ourselves space and some openness. Advantage: nervous system regulation.
When I think back to how awful I felt with the H1N1 in 2009, very little of it was actually physical symptoms. I was really only medically sick for a week or two at most. But, after reading reports about people dying from the virus and that people with comorbidities were extra vulnerable, a deep panic set into my mind and then to my body. I was afraid I would not survive the infection! It was the fear and anxiety that continued long past when I had shed the virus and caused me to go weeks and weeks in a state of brain fog, fatigue and depression. My nervous system, which was already taxed from my chronic illness, could not take much more and just shut down.
Over the course of the last months, I have fielded some client questions and comments regarding fear of illness and how to balance protective measures versus physical, social and emotional needs. I think it should be obvious by now that I totally get it. Our health issues are real, the virus can be potent and the consequences of infection may be significant for some people. I certainly don’t want to undermine those realities. What I do want to remind you of is that NOTHING (including pandemic illness) is made better by worry, fear and anxiety in the nervous system. In fact, my dread gives the very things that I am worried about far more space to affect my life.
When I finally did get Covid, I was thankful that I had resolved this issue in my mind and my nervous system. I had already decided that when my time came, I would do my best to relax and practice the C’s. I would invite Calm (chill out), Confidence (I’ve got this and I will get better), Connection (stay in contact with my parts to help soothe and settle them as fear popped up), Clarity (I know who I am and what I am capable of), Compassion (I feel sick and it is lousy and it is OK for me to feel a tad mopey or grouchy or just stay in my PJ’s for a few days), Courage (I am strong and I got this!), Creativity (read a book or write in my journal – or not if I don’t feel like it) and Curiosity (I am interested in any parts and feelings that might be presenting). If my symptoms became more serious, I would use the lifetime of wisdom stored in my regulated system to make the best decision I could in that moment. In the end, I felt pretty yuck for three or four days and then tired for a few more. I would say it has taken some weeks to feel back to my “normal” and that is OK. The main thing is that my nervous system has felt open, rather than traumatized, and I have actually been able to work on my self and my parts at an even deeper level than I was at before as I dug into some past traumas and concerns around health and wellness.
If you are fearful and worried, I get it. This isn’t an all or nothing kind of thing. You can be apprehensive but also practice inviting calm into your body using your breath, a meditation or some yoga. Talk to a friend who can offer some reassurance, remind yourself of your inherent strength as someone who copes with chronic health issues every single day and has NOT let it overtake you. The building blocks of that kick-ass mentality are clearly inside you, or you would not be pursuing transformation the way that you are! Let me join you in reminding your nervous system that you are calm, cool and capable of handling things if and when they happen. There is no need to pre-worry.
The state of calm has been a game changer for me and I hope you see that it can be for you also. Allowing the energy of our nervous system to flow freely is something we can all invite more of. Next time that tennis ball comes your way on the court, you will be limber and ready to lunge in whatever direction you need to. Game, Set, Match to a strong, healthy, regulated nervous system.
If you want to read more on nervous systems and regulation read my blog called Waterparks and Nervous Systems.
If you want to jump into some more info on internal safety head over to Safety First.
DISCLAIMER: Note that these opinions are my own. I am not a doctor and therefore can not offer medical advice to anyone. Please check with your own health care specialist if you have any questions about your own risk factors, illness or recovery experience.
Definitions: Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/calm