Crappy Writing and Colosseums
“If Rome was built in a day, we would have used the same contractor.” (written on a sign posted outside a construction site)
I used to be a cracker jack writer! The kind who breezed through University assignments, left projects to the last minute and still pulled out plenty of A+’s. I always enjoyed the art form of writing, the process of discovering the perfect word, cultivating an exquisite sentence, adding a metaphor, including an entertaining anecdote. I cherished the ability to connect with an audience as one of my most esteemed skills.
For some years now, I have found writing considerably harder to do. Somewhere along the way, among many ME/CFS/FM symptoms, brain fog became a “thing”, my word recall diminished and my attention span to sit still with a pen and paper (or computer screen and keyboard) went straight into the toilet. Other than some emails and text messages here and there, I stopped writing all together.
Maybe six or seven years ago, a friend (and fellow writer) challenged me to begin to write again. Knowing me pretty well, she suggested that I create a folder called “Crappy Writing” to take the pressure off of making it particularly good, creative or interesting. She realized that my desire to create amazing, clever, life changing material, was holding me back from doing any writing at all. For a time, my only job was to sit down and write something, anything that came to mind, but do it every day. The crappier the better.
So, because I am a type A personality who 100% agreed with Brian Clough when he said “they say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job,” I started writing to beat the band. Stories, journal entries, articles, emails, blog posts, reviews… whatever came to mind, I figured the faster I could get through the crappy writing “phase”, the quicker I would get to the good stuff. Sensible approach right? I bet you couldn’t possibly guess what happened next. Perhaps you already (brilliantly) surmised that my skills improved swiftly and within a few months I was producing amazing articles, writing like a pro, publishing novels and feeling super accomplished. If you believe that, then let me add that my word recall became instantaneous, my book sales rivalled Harry Potter and my gluten intolerance went away too!!
Well…maybe that isn’t EXACTLY how it happened. In reality, what materialized was… not much!!! I wrote excessively for a few days, struggled INTENSLY, hated EVERYTHING that I did, lit a fire to burn it all and stopped writing altogether for another couple of years. I don’t think I penned so much as a letter.
Fast forward a season or two and my health had recovered enough for me to consider another stab at the writing thing. I had seen improvement in many areas and wondered if perhaps my thinking had progressed enough to begin to scribble out some ideas again. So I started. At first, I felt clumsy with words, disorganized in my thoughts and embarrassed by my lack of skill. I wouldn’t re-read anything I had written; it went straight into the crappy writing folder. I was frustrated from trying so hard and producing garbage. How could I be the same woman everyone thought would write my own novels, who got rave reviews from professors and peers, who edited a textbook and a Doctoral Dissertation? I didn’t even recognize my own voice in my writing anymore. It was demoralizing.
I won’t lie. My ability to put pen to paper has been one of the slower areas to come back in its entirety. Although it has continuously improved, I can still think out a beautifully written blog post but when I go to get it out on the page, my mind struggles with some gobbledy goop. I have had to really challenge myself to put my offering out into the world, at the risk that my writing may be less than what I want it to be, and I will absolutely admit it is a scary thing to do.
Perhaps this is true for you in some of area of your own life as well. It could be your artwork, your speaking skills, your reading comprehension, your short or long term memory. Chronic illness has a way of reeking havoc on our primary brain functions in ways we don’t even always register, since they often happen slowly over time and under SO much duress. I totally get it.
For me, it became about my deep NEED to write again; a desire to give a voice to my journey and connect with others on the same path. I wanted to reconnect with a long-forsaken part of myself, to RE-MIND my brain what it felt like to be a creator. I think of it a bit like someone with a brain injury re-learning how to hold a pencil or a spoon. My nervous system sustained tremendous damage that impacted multiple systems of my body, not the least of which was my brain functions. Some of my systems became “paralyzed” in a very similar way to severe physical trauma. It has taken time, and practice, to welcome home some of the skills that vanished during those years and I still have abilities that are wandering in the wilderness. It is like wrestling with two truths at the same time; my well being has greatly improved and yet I am not 100% and maybe never will be. You may also have one big skill that seems to have disappeared or many areas that feel adrift. Either way, It is totally NORMAL to grapple with it all a bit, just in case you were wondering.
We, of the Numa C.I.R.C.L.E. (Chronic Illness Recovery Crew Lower-the-bar Experts) are here to cheer you on with your first step. It might be your first load of laundry in quite some time, your first time leaving the house to go to the grocery store, your first visit with a friend or your first article headed straight for your own crappy writing folder. Whatever it is you are re-learning… GOOD FOR YOU!!! Keep at it. Don’t stop! Even if the amount of material in your folder is overflowing, and you want to burn it all, you are moving forward building your own personal, beautiful, amazing Roman Colosseum one brick at a time.
Perhaps one day, if I can bear to look at them again, I will post a few of my own “crappy writing” articles just to give you some first-class inspiration to get started on your own unique re-construction project. I can say with certainty they would motivate you, if only in thinking “I really can’t do any worse than that!”
Cheers,
Mellissa
Thanks to Alicia for the “Crappy Writing” challenge. I still have the folder!
Rome construction sign: https://vertikal.net/en/news/story/14499